What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 06:57
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What is the lowest probability event you have personally witnessed?
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
How would you feel if your girlfriend had dick pics on her phone?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Is it considered rude to comment on someone's weight? Is it simply stating a fact?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Comes on , in middle age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im still living with it.
I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!